The Online Samurai

No natural behavior! Everybody is showing up and doing what they don't want to do and have a connection to. That's the problem with our society, and what is the reward for this? Go home and get a big TV, Go home you're going to get a nice purse, you're going to get shoes that you couldn't afford last week. You're going to get that dream car. Every week we are chasing down this new object and every week we're trying to fill this hole, this sad shadow of life that we have left after work. You work 8 to whatever hours per day plus commuting and then you're like this? That's your real life? All that stuff is not your life anymore. All that stuff is work. And most of us have committed to that. You are just a piece of a heartless, shitty machine that makes money. Don't let anybody fool you that there's a guarantee, That there is a safe way! Be different and unique. I know because I have been there before and I understand it's a trap be...

Ita waiter Ita waiter... We all sang to the major hit by the self-proclaimed Super producer, super Mc and super D.J Madtraxx. I would rather think of him as the Kenyan Fat Joe. Hassan, Omollo and myself had finally landed our first jobs after campus. Knowing that jobs are hard to come by in the country unless you have "connections" , we decided to celebrate of this auspicious achievement by binging on cupious amounts of alcohol. Hassan being the non-alcoholic guy he is, was sipping his chilled Del-Monte mango juice while the real kings Omollo and myself drank our warm pilsner beers. It was only right that we went to the best joint along Moi Avenue cause we weren't yet up that social life ladder to party in those high class lounges and restaurants in Westlands known as the party district of Nairobi where socialites, politicians, musicians, bloggers, twitter bigwigs and those twitter hunnies looking for sponsors all meet and take selfies only to post pictures with lots ...

To wake up the first time in a new place can be like another birth, well not the gruesome picture of a woman wailing and the doctors urging her to push harder, rather the confusion of emerging from a dream and realizing you are in unfamiliar territory. This morning, my ears were filled with a high clear sound; it was a little while before I knew it was from a nearby Mosque. The room was dim lit; the ceiling was high and the walls far away. How I got here was still a mystery much like the Halloween mystery of the creative director missing. Being a good copy detective I knew it was only a matter of time before I established my coordinates ; sounds a bit James 'Bondish' right? I know I know, just watched Spectre and I can't help it. Back to the room I was in , I woke up from the cold floor and realized I was still in a drunken stupor, must have been the whisky from last night! Being a senior odds hunter at sportpesa I knew very well that gambling and alcohol do not mix. I reme...

You know you must and should dump her. She has broken your heart in very small pieces and all your friends have told you but you remember her mouthhugs which makes you possesed. You know how she twerks at high-end joints with her brazilian weave almost falling off but you are still with her. That my friend is Pussification ! Pussification is when a chic comes to your bedsitter at daybreak after a night out with big bellied 'sponsors' and you take her smelly ass in. You can't think, you can't stop texting her never replying butt. You become an idiot and a man who can't think clearly and objectively. All over this city, you see men in 'relationshits' with these socialites aka prostitutes that have pussified them completely. When a man gets good head from a whore and he gets stuck for life with her. The chic will worship twitter bigwigs all for event tickets. You will see the chic flirting on her timeline but you convince yourself that she is just having fun....

'Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. ' - Mark Twain. I honestly don't know why I quoted Mark Twain there but here goes. Just from a night out at around 3am; wee hours huh? Myself and three pals David, Kevin and Leakey boarded a taxi to take us home. It was one of those days where all you wanted was to get to your bed and sleep like other normal people. As we approached our estate, we all realised we had no money to pay the cab guy; Uber and Easy Taxi hadn't entered the market yet! We quickly hatched a plot to run as soon as we alighted. On arrival at the estates' gate, we flung wide the doors of the taxi and everybody ran in different directions so as to confuse the cab guy. I however made the biggest mistake by sprinting on a straight path while my friends disappeared in some nearby bushes. The cab driver saw this as an opportunity to get one of us and immediately drove towards me. Well, the legend Mark Twa...

The following takes place between 0600 hrs and 2100 hrs East African time. "You better pay your rent tomorrow or you'll be evicted ! ", Deno wakes up thinking about those words from his Landlord yesternight. He plugs in his Samsung smartphone in his ampex sub-woofer. He ponders whether to listen to Matatu fm, Capiroo or HBR. Maybe I should listen to Hope fm he contemplates as the past few months have been a living hell. Yes, he has the power to read but no job to feed him. Tunes to Matatu F.M The discussion is about boyfriends who don't treat their lovers to fancy dinners, buying gifts and what not. Damn ! He remembers Lisa who texted him last night saying that they should talk. Words that every Kenyan man dreads. Deno steps into the bathroom which also doubles up as his lavatory. Within three minutes he is done. He knows pretty well that he can't afford to waste water due to increment in his monthly water billing. He scrolls down his whatsapp texts as he pre...